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  • AZURE: A Journal of Literary Thought
    • AZURE Volume 6, Issue 4 >
      • TO THOSE FOUND DEAD IN CHIMNEYS by R.W. Plym
      • WHAT TO EXPECT OF LIFE by Steven G. Kellman
      • IF IT WERE DRAWN by Jessica Reed
      • BLOOD IN THE ORCHIDS by Amanda Kotch
      • CORNELIUS RADHOPPER by Peter Arscott
    • AZURE Volume 6, Issue 3 >
      • ANIMAL INHERITANCE by akhir ali
      • THAT DUDE DERRIDA by Daniel Klawitter
      • FLAT-EARTH FRED by Phil Gallos
      • THE MYSTERY OF THE MISSING SEMICOLON by Orana Loren
      • MY BALDERDASHERY by Eric Paul Shaffer
    • AZURE Volume 6, Issue 2 >
      • MIRROR by Joshua Kepfer
      • CUE FALLING PIANO by D.C. Weaver
      • ANTON AND THE ECHO by Cristina Otero
      • THAT WHICH WE TRULY DON'T KNOW by JOACHIM GLAGE
      • CONGRATULATIONS by Alan Sincic
    • AZURE Volume 6, Issue 1 >
      • NEVER, NEVER LAND, MY SHIP by Mark Pearce
      • THE SMILE OF MONA LISA by Fatima Ijaz
      • OUROBOROS by Esme Sammons
      • THE DEPTHS OF THE SEA by Margaret D. Stetz
      • SNICKER-SNACK by Bruce Meyer
    • AZURE Volume 5, Issue 4 >
      • THE OWLET AND THE TURTLE by Greg Sendi
      • BRACTS and other poems by Nathaniel Calhoun
      • ANSWERS TO NON-EXISTENT QUESTIONS and other poems by Kevin Griffith
      • NEVERENDING KNOT by Jodie Dalgleish
      • LEARNING TO WALK by Jodie Dalgleish
      • OVERSOUL by P.S. Lutz
    • AZURE Volume 5, Issue 3 >
      • MAP OF MEMORY by Jesse Schotter
      • BISMILLAH by Abby Minor
      • MICROMORTS by Veronica Tang
      • LOVE LETTER TO LANGUAGE: AN ABECEDARIAN by Saramanda Swigart
      • IF YOU WERE ALL WATER by M. Ann Reed
    • AZURE Volume 5, Issue 2 >
      • CONTRA FORMALISME by Leland Seese
      • DRUNKEN MAN ON A BICYCLE by Dan Butterworth
      • WOLF TICKETS THROUGH THE FERAL WINTER by Kirk Marshall
      • SYLVANUS, BARD by Marc Lerner
      • THE LOOKING GLASS OF ARTHUR GORDON PYM by Frank Meola
    • AZURE Volume 5, Issue 1 >
      • INTIMATE THINGS by Laylage Courie
      • A SERIES OF PUNCTUATION by Hajar Hussaini
      • ROT AND GLORIANA by Laurel Miram
      • BLUES ON RED by Elie Doubleday
      • MY FICTION: REMEMBERING 50 YEARS OF WORK by Richard Kostelanetz
    • AZURE Volume 4, Issue 4 >
      • ENDNOTES FOR AN ALLOCUTION by Peter Freund
      • UKEMI (and other poems) by Nicole Vento
      • MEMORANDUM ON DESIRE by Laylage Courie
      • THE HOLYWOOD DEUTERONOMY by Jim Shankman
      • AT THE MAD HATTER-MARCH HARE ART GALLERY (and other poems) by M. Ann Reed
    • AZURE Volume 4, Issue 3 >
      • THE MACHINE, STOLEN FIRE, and PERFORMANCE by Vivek Narayan
      • FIRST FRUITS by Stephen Massimilla
      • ONCE UPON A TOMORROW-TIME by Christopher Routheut
      • YIELD LIGHT OF WAY by Ken Goodman
      • SEVEN TALES by Sara Streett
    • AZURE Volume 4, Issue 2 >
      • THE PUNCH-CARD CIPHERS by DF Short
      • SHE WAS THE FIRST TO GIVE A TOAST by Kelli Russell Agodon
      • HABLU L-WARIDI by Jesse Hilson
      • THE KEY TO DREAMS by Sean S. Bentley
      • SOFA, SO GOOD, SORT OF by Remy Ngamije
    • AZURE Volume 4, Issue 1 >
      • STAMPING THE DEAD by Habib Mohana
      • LEGS by A. Joachim Glage
      • I THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX by Heikki Huotari
      • LUŽÁNKY by V.B. Borjen
    • ARCHIVES: VOLUME 3 >
      • AZURE Volume 3, Issue 4 >
        • TALES UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN by Devon Ortega
        • WAKE UP by JayJay Conrad
        • AMONG THE MEN IS APRIL by Logo Wei
        • SWEET by Melinda Giordano
        • BLACK ROSES by Osamase Ekhator
        • MEET ME TONIGHT ON METAPHOR STREET by Vivek Narayan
      • AZURE Volume 3, Issue 3 >
        • MENAGE A TROIS, WITH HORSE by Don Dussault
        • THE BLACK by Ben Colandrea
        • BLUE SKY LANGUAGE by Christien Gholson
        • UN DETECTIVE VIEJO by Franco Strong
      • AZURE Volume 3, Issue 2 >
        • THE CLEANSING by Linda Dennard
        • SHUFFLE by Debbie Fox
        • DID YOU FALL OR RISE FROM THE CLOUD OF UNKNOWING? by M. Ann Reed
        • THE PHILOSOPHER AND THE PORNQUEEN by Omar Sabbagh
        • KIGALI MEMORIAL by Carlos Andres Gomez
        • PANTOUM OF THE MEAT by Ouita Rogers
      • AZURE Volume 3, Issue 1 >
        • HOW TO WRITE A BIOGRAPHY by Joanne B. Mulcahy
        • PROTOCOL NINE-NINE-NINE-NINE by Kenneth Hanes
        • LESS' MORE by TWIXT
        • POINTLESS MR. PROBST by Beatriz Seelaender
    • ARCHIVES: VOLUME 2 >
      • AZURE Volume 2, Issue 4 >
        • SYLVAN PASSAGES by Dan Wood
        • SISTER ALONE by Janet M Powers
        • CENTURY 2.1 by Alan Flurry
        • CLAIMED BY THE SEA by Sam Reese
      • AZURE Volume 2, Issue 3 >
        • CROSSHATCHING by M.K. Rainey
        • LULLABY by Barbara Daddino
        • HOUSEMOUTH (and other poems) by Anhvu Buchanan and Brent Piller
        • THE RESIDUE IN PUBLIC TEA AND COFFEE CUPS by V.B. Borjen
        • SYZYGY (and other poems) by Malorie Seeley-Sherwood
      • AZURE Volume 2, Issue 2 >
        • DRAGONFLIES: A DISCOURSE ON ANXIETY by Lara Lillibridge
        • AND RICHARD BURBAGE ALSO HAD A SISTER by Freya Shipley
        • THE WATCHERS by M.K. Rainey
        • JAZZ INTERACTION WITH SYMBOLS by Sarah T.
        • SPIDER (and other poems) by Natalie Crick
      • AZURE Volume 2, Issue 1 >
        • ECHOES by Daniel Freeman
        • MAPS by Susan Brennan
        • EDGAR'S FATHER'S MAGIC WORDS by JWM Morgan
        • LOCKJAW: IN TWO ACTS by James Blevins
        • WHAT THE LIVING DO by Susan Wadds
    • Archives: Volume 1 >
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 10 >
        • SUSURROS DE RECURRENCIA by Franco Strong
        • THE OLD MAN by Sarah T.
        • PERMUTATIONS by Laura Cesarco Eglin
        • WORLD PEACE 3 by Gustavo Alberto Garcia Vaca
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 9 >
        • LITTLE GHOST by Danny Judge
        • THE LAST ALLUSIONIST by Sakina B. Fakhri
        • CHURCH by Diana McClure
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 8 >
        • DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS by Nancy Flynn
        • WHAT I COULDN'T SAY by Erika Ranee & Diana McClure
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 7 >
        • BRASS TYRANT AND THE AMERICAN THIRST by Kirk Marshall
        • LADY KILLER by Monika Viola
        • THE RIBBONS by Ferguson Williams
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 6 >
        • AURELIA: A BALLET IN PROSE (ACT 2 - Part 1) by Sakina B. Fakhri
        • NEW AGE UNCAGED by Frank Light
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 5 >
        • THE TRIALS OF TOBIT by Joseph Lisowski
        • LIKE MANY GIANT FOOTPRINTS (and other poems) by William Doreski
        • AURELIA: A BALLET IN PROSE (ACT I) by Sakina B. Fakhri
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 4 >
        • WARDENCLIFF by Barbara Daddino
        • BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMISTRY by Reg Darling
        • AURELIA: A BALLET IN PROSE (LIBRETTO) by Sakina B. Fakhri
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 3 >
        • LAWTON, OKLAHOMA by Mark Lawley
        • TWEETY BIRD'S GRACE by Diana McClure
        • CONTAGION AND THE DINNER GUEST by Sakina B. Fakhri
        • ON POETRY AND PROSE by Sakina B. Fakhri
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 2 >
        • TWO MICE IN A BLACK BOX & THE DECONSTRUCTION OF LANGUAGE by Sakina B. Fakhri
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 1 >
        • CHARACTER SKETCHES by Diana McClure
        • SEASONS ON A GRAVESTONE by Sakina B. Fakhri
        • COCKTAIL PARTY by Diana McClure
        • DESUETUDE by Sakina B. Fakhri
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Back to AZURE (Volume 4, Issue 1)

Legs
and
A Footnote on the Baleful Effects of Happiness 

By A. Joachim Glage
Picture

Legs

The ant in question has a jurisdiction that extends no farther than the lower quadrant of a leg from a dead grasshopper. The rest of the grasshopper’s carcass, unbeknownst to the ant, lies only a few inches further afield (though that is neither here nor there). The ant dutifully carries the leg back to its colony. The ant’s only purpose is this purpose. The ant is this purpose. The colony’s gates, however, have just been flung wide by a rabbit’s paw; as a result, one of the ant’s own legs gets stuck in some debris from the displaced mound (it was a makeshift and imperfect structure to begin with). The other ants—their thousand-fold legs incapable of care—trample over their immobile peer until it too is dead and finally is dragged down to the busy depths beneath. That many-legged destiny—the ant’s and the grasshopper’s and the rabbit’s and the other ants’—represents fate at its most miniscule, and yet it is still more miraculous than all of the physics at work in three suns. And you, a pale and partial creature, idle in your chair and with but two idle legs, hope to possess knowledge of that march.

​A Footnote on the Baleful Effects of Happiness

​In the prologue to his book La vida y el universo (Madrid, 1967), the great Spanish cosmologist Francisco Garrido Fernández, having insisted upon the statistical certainty that extraterrestrial life exists outside of our solar system, asserts nevertheless—though in a mere footnote!—that no such life has ever visited, or ever will visit, the earth. It is a bold speculation, to be sure, though Fernández treats it casually, as though it had the soundness of a purely logical conclusion. Indeed, and as strange as it may seem, I recall that when I first read this footnote I was struck, not so much by its contents as by that very calmness, that matter-of-fact quality of its sure, lucid sentences. Equally strange: that solitary note is all I can still really remember, at least with any degree of vividness, from Fernández’s book—a book which surely contained more than four-hundred pages and which, at least while I was a young and pious student of physics at the University of Barcelona, I held dear to my heart. Most strange of all: I have been unable to locate any existing copy of the volume, and so I must concede straightaway that it could have been one of those rare books that exist only in dreams (and what, then, of Fernández himself, did I dream him too?). The footnote, however, continues to stand out in my memory (I can see it, even now, there on the page, in such small and unassuming type). It remains vivid, I believe, because of the unusual principle it expressed, namely, that too much happiness can have negative effects upon the development of science. So compelling did I find this argument at the time that I even translated the note into English, word for word, in a private journal of mine—one that I only today rediscovered (it was perched high on a shelf in a closet full of other dusty and personal artifacts). Here then is that note, which may have come from a dream, but which even now reads well to me:
​No alien life has ever visited our planet. Nor will it ever. We can be assured of this for the following reason: long before any intelligent species could possibly figure out how to solve the daunting problems of interstellar space travel, it almost certainly will already have conquered the much-simpler mysteries of happiness. And the latter achievement obviates the former one. This will be our destiny as well: the pleasure-centers in our brains, all the organs of inner peace and satisfaction, the optimal ratios of dopamine and other neurotransmitters in the basal ganglia, indeed every biological facet of happiness (from bristling skin cells to slightly-thinned blood to the mild rush of warmth in the face)—all of these, long before our ships can reach the speed of light, will fall under our complete control. The construction of happiness will be then as rudimentary a process as pain-relief is to us now: it will be as easy as swallowing a pill. And I don’t mean drunkenness, or any sort of intoxication; I mean genuine happiness (or a dead ringer for it anyway). And if you’re happy—if you’re already at peace with your existence and with the world and with the sky over your head—then why on earth would you bother trying to reach that distant star?

​There is only one way for a rational species to avoid this fate: it would have to develop immunity to happiness (or at least some degree of moral revulsion for it). But of course, if ever any such unhappy race had landed upon our world, then surely we’d all have been eradicated by now.
​At the bottom of that page in my journal, separated from the text quoted above by several empty lines, I now read the following two sentences, which I do not remember writing; whether they are my own, or belong to Fernández (or to someone else entirely, or to a dream), I may never know: 
​We may reduce these reflections—I have done so, at any rate—to the following rule: There’s not a boon in all the universe, not even happiness, not even goodness itself, which is always and only good.
 
Call it a law of the cosmos.
A. Joachim Glage lives and writes in Colorado, where he enjoys no longer being an attorney. He received an M.A. in English Literature from the University of Virginia, before completing his graduate work on literary and aesthetic theory at the Literature Program at Duke. He earned his law degree from New York University School of Law. Other fiction by him has appeared recently or is soon forthcoming in such periodicals as The Georgia Review, Litmag, The Collagist, DIAGRAM, Santa Monica Review, Philosophy and Literature, and others.

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  • ABOUT
    • Our Literary Aesthetic
    • Staff >
      • Writings by Sakina B. Fakhri
    • Contact Us
    • SUBSCRIBE
  • CONTESTS
  • AZURE: A Journal of Literary Thought
    • AZURE Volume 6, Issue 4 >
      • TO THOSE FOUND DEAD IN CHIMNEYS by R.W. Plym
      • WHAT TO EXPECT OF LIFE by Steven G. Kellman
      • IF IT WERE DRAWN by Jessica Reed
      • BLOOD IN THE ORCHIDS by Amanda Kotch
      • CORNELIUS RADHOPPER by Peter Arscott
    • AZURE Volume 6, Issue 3 >
      • ANIMAL INHERITANCE by akhir ali
      • THAT DUDE DERRIDA by Daniel Klawitter
      • FLAT-EARTH FRED by Phil Gallos
      • THE MYSTERY OF THE MISSING SEMICOLON by Orana Loren
      • MY BALDERDASHERY by Eric Paul Shaffer
    • AZURE Volume 6, Issue 2 >
      • MIRROR by Joshua Kepfer
      • CUE FALLING PIANO by D.C. Weaver
      • ANTON AND THE ECHO by Cristina Otero
      • THAT WHICH WE TRULY DON'T KNOW by JOACHIM GLAGE
      • CONGRATULATIONS by Alan Sincic
    • AZURE Volume 6, Issue 1 >
      • NEVER, NEVER LAND, MY SHIP by Mark Pearce
      • THE SMILE OF MONA LISA by Fatima Ijaz
      • OUROBOROS by Esme Sammons
      • THE DEPTHS OF THE SEA by Margaret D. Stetz
      • SNICKER-SNACK by Bruce Meyer
    • AZURE Volume 5, Issue 4 >
      • THE OWLET AND THE TURTLE by Greg Sendi
      • BRACTS and other poems by Nathaniel Calhoun
      • ANSWERS TO NON-EXISTENT QUESTIONS and other poems by Kevin Griffith
      • NEVERENDING KNOT by Jodie Dalgleish
      • LEARNING TO WALK by Jodie Dalgleish
      • OVERSOUL by P.S. Lutz
    • AZURE Volume 5, Issue 3 >
      • MAP OF MEMORY by Jesse Schotter
      • BISMILLAH by Abby Minor
      • MICROMORTS by Veronica Tang
      • LOVE LETTER TO LANGUAGE: AN ABECEDARIAN by Saramanda Swigart
      • IF YOU WERE ALL WATER by M. Ann Reed
    • AZURE Volume 5, Issue 2 >
      • CONTRA FORMALISME by Leland Seese
      • DRUNKEN MAN ON A BICYCLE by Dan Butterworth
      • WOLF TICKETS THROUGH THE FERAL WINTER by Kirk Marshall
      • SYLVANUS, BARD by Marc Lerner
      • THE LOOKING GLASS OF ARTHUR GORDON PYM by Frank Meola
    • AZURE Volume 5, Issue 1 >
      • INTIMATE THINGS by Laylage Courie
      • A SERIES OF PUNCTUATION by Hajar Hussaini
      • ROT AND GLORIANA by Laurel Miram
      • BLUES ON RED by Elie Doubleday
      • MY FICTION: REMEMBERING 50 YEARS OF WORK by Richard Kostelanetz
    • AZURE Volume 4, Issue 4 >
      • ENDNOTES FOR AN ALLOCUTION by Peter Freund
      • UKEMI (and other poems) by Nicole Vento
      • MEMORANDUM ON DESIRE by Laylage Courie
      • THE HOLYWOOD DEUTERONOMY by Jim Shankman
      • AT THE MAD HATTER-MARCH HARE ART GALLERY (and other poems) by M. Ann Reed
    • AZURE Volume 4, Issue 3 >
      • THE MACHINE, STOLEN FIRE, and PERFORMANCE by Vivek Narayan
      • FIRST FRUITS by Stephen Massimilla
      • ONCE UPON A TOMORROW-TIME by Christopher Routheut
      • YIELD LIGHT OF WAY by Ken Goodman
      • SEVEN TALES by Sara Streett
    • AZURE Volume 4, Issue 2 >
      • THE PUNCH-CARD CIPHERS by DF Short
      • SHE WAS THE FIRST TO GIVE A TOAST by Kelli Russell Agodon
      • HABLU L-WARIDI by Jesse Hilson
      • THE KEY TO DREAMS by Sean S. Bentley
      • SOFA, SO GOOD, SORT OF by Remy Ngamije
    • AZURE Volume 4, Issue 1 >
      • STAMPING THE DEAD by Habib Mohana
      • LEGS by A. Joachim Glage
      • I THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX by Heikki Huotari
      • LUŽÁNKY by V.B. Borjen
    • ARCHIVES: VOLUME 3 >
      • AZURE Volume 3, Issue 4 >
        • TALES UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN by Devon Ortega
        • WAKE UP by JayJay Conrad
        • AMONG THE MEN IS APRIL by Logo Wei
        • SWEET by Melinda Giordano
        • BLACK ROSES by Osamase Ekhator
        • MEET ME TONIGHT ON METAPHOR STREET by Vivek Narayan
      • AZURE Volume 3, Issue 3 >
        • MENAGE A TROIS, WITH HORSE by Don Dussault
        • THE BLACK by Ben Colandrea
        • BLUE SKY LANGUAGE by Christien Gholson
        • UN DETECTIVE VIEJO by Franco Strong
      • AZURE Volume 3, Issue 2 >
        • THE CLEANSING by Linda Dennard
        • SHUFFLE by Debbie Fox
        • DID YOU FALL OR RISE FROM THE CLOUD OF UNKNOWING? by M. Ann Reed
        • THE PHILOSOPHER AND THE PORNQUEEN by Omar Sabbagh
        • KIGALI MEMORIAL by Carlos Andres Gomez
        • PANTOUM OF THE MEAT by Ouita Rogers
      • AZURE Volume 3, Issue 1 >
        • HOW TO WRITE A BIOGRAPHY by Joanne B. Mulcahy
        • PROTOCOL NINE-NINE-NINE-NINE by Kenneth Hanes
        • LESS' MORE by TWIXT
        • POINTLESS MR. PROBST by Beatriz Seelaender
    • ARCHIVES: VOLUME 2 >
      • AZURE Volume 2, Issue 4 >
        • SYLVAN PASSAGES by Dan Wood
        • SISTER ALONE by Janet M Powers
        • CENTURY 2.1 by Alan Flurry
        • CLAIMED BY THE SEA by Sam Reese
      • AZURE Volume 2, Issue 3 >
        • CROSSHATCHING by M.K. Rainey
        • LULLABY by Barbara Daddino
        • HOUSEMOUTH (and other poems) by Anhvu Buchanan and Brent Piller
        • THE RESIDUE IN PUBLIC TEA AND COFFEE CUPS by V.B. Borjen
        • SYZYGY (and other poems) by Malorie Seeley-Sherwood
      • AZURE Volume 2, Issue 2 >
        • DRAGONFLIES: A DISCOURSE ON ANXIETY by Lara Lillibridge
        • AND RICHARD BURBAGE ALSO HAD A SISTER by Freya Shipley
        • THE WATCHERS by M.K. Rainey
        • JAZZ INTERACTION WITH SYMBOLS by Sarah T.
        • SPIDER (and other poems) by Natalie Crick
      • AZURE Volume 2, Issue 1 >
        • ECHOES by Daniel Freeman
        • MAPS by Susan Brennan
        • EDGAR'S FATHER'S MAGIC WORDS by JWM Morgan
        • LOCKJAW: IN TWO ACTS by James Blevins
        • WHAT THE LIVING DO by Susan Wadds
    • Archives: Volume 1 >
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 10 >
        • SUSURROS DE RECURRENCIA by Franco Strong
        • THE OLD MAN by Sarah T.
        • PERMUTATIONS by Laura Cesarco Eglin
        • WORLD PEACE 3 by Gustavo Alberto Garcia Vaca
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 9 >
        • LITTLE GHOST by Danny Judge
        • THE LAST ALLUSIONIST by Sakina B. Fakhri
        • CHURCH by Diana McClure
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 8 >
        • DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS by Nancy Flynn
        • WHAT I COULDN'T SAY by Erika Ranee & Diana McClure
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 7 >
        • BRASS TYRANT AND THE AMERICAN THIRST by Kirk Marshall
        • LADY KILLER by Monika Viola
        • THE RIBBONS by Ferguson Williams
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 6 >
        • AURELIA: A BALLET IN PROSE (ACT 2 - Part 1) by Sakina B. Fakhri
        • NEW AGE UNCAGED by Frank Light
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 5 >
        • THE TRIALS OF TOBIT by Joseph Lisowski
        • LIKE MANY GIANT FOOTPRINTS (and other poems) by William Doreski
        • AURELIA: A BALLET IN PROSE (ACT I) by Sakina B. Fakhri
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 4 >
        • WARDENCLIFF by Barbara Daddino
        • BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMISTRY by Reg Darling
        • AURELIA: A BALLET IN PROSE (LIBRETTO) by Sakina B. Fakhri
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 3 >
        • LAWTON, OKLAHOMA by Mark Lawley
        • TWEETY BIRD'S GRACE by Diana McClure
        • CONTAGION AND THE DINNER GUEST by Sakina B. Fakhri
        • ON POETRY AND PROSE by Sakina B. Fakhri
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 2 >
        • TWO MICE IN A BLACK BOX & THE DECONSTRUCTION OF LANGUAGE by Sakina B. Fakhri
      • AZURE Volume 1, Issue 1 >
        • CHARACTER SKETCHES by Diana McClure
        • SEASONS ON A GRAVESTONE by Sakina B. Fakhri
        • COCKTAIL PARTY by Diana McClure
        • DESUETUDE by Sakina B. Fakhri
  • LIBRARY SHOP
  • SUBMISSIONS
  • BLOG
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  • Literary Links